Things That Didn't Happen in the Bike Industry Last Month - Round Up
Some people call him a poo-factory. Other people call him Mr Fluffy Bottom.
Dog Shits on Cut Line, and Miles Jaziber Doesn't Know How to Feel About it
A man in Bellingspam has acted upon what local mountain bike philosophers are calling the Cut-log Perplexity, where he has pushed down his hatred of bagged-up dog shit for a greater cause. After feeding his 16lb border terrier named Officer Lawrensen nothing but Gatorade and pork rashings, Jazimer encourages his dog to "do business" on cheat lines or non-sanctioned high entrances.
"The one single thing we can agree that sucks in the whole of mountain biking is how horrid dog poo is... but... what if we could use it. What if we could harness its power? What if through great evil, we could make this world a better place?"
Nice building, that.
Mountain Bikers' Cognitive Dissonance to be Studied at Havard Institute for Wild Thoughts for Cool Guys and Stuff
Gunther Almonde-Croissant, Head of Wild Thoughts for Cool Guys at Harvard, and a respected fellow at the very frontier of understanding the human mind, cannot explain mountain bikers, and their attitudes towards paying for things.
"Seismic cultural moments, while sometimes overwhelming, can always - always - be explained when the runway is long enough. What you find, in an anthropomorphic sense, is that things that haven't yet been justified are, in a way, present in a state of limbo and flux. We need to move away from ideas or notions being just or indeed unjustifiable, and rather understand the human mind is such that it just hasn't been able to work its understanding into justification... yet. Humans are inherently selfish beings motivated by survival, and that is also underpinned by models in social-evolutionary biology. Ergo, it isn't hard to consider that ideas of morality or even consistency are not only often meaningless to the benefiting arbitrator but superficial in their very nature. If a butterfly dies we cry, but if we gas a spider in a plume of cheap hairspray we do not so much as shed a tear? Is it merely beauty that separates the two? Is life that shallow? Everything is eventually justifiable to a self-centred human somewhere.
"That said, can we do something to f*cking sort out slopestyle? The athletes strike and we complain, if the broadcaster tries to make us pay, we complain. This... this I cannot explain. God I need a gin and tonic... and thanks to today's sponsor I can. Bombay Saphire has long been a key component for learning about brains and stuff at Havard. I don't know about you, but my God, I find a lot of this stuff depressing. After picking apart the brain of a serial killer who's had his body donated to science, and realising that he's no different to me and that the circumstances of our births are a mere lottery that will shape our every moment forthwith, I find nothing more comforting than a few stiff ones. Thanks to Bombay, and the great team there for making the smoothest gin in the game."
"We're all full!"
Electricians Don't Want Ex-Racers to Join Their Ranks
The National Union of Electricians has called for limitations on how many current and ex-World Cup mountain bikers can join their ranks in the future off-seasons.
Local business owner Justin Timbersnake has said that the influx of hard-working, dedicated professionals who will do absolutely anything to ensure that they give their maximum could seriously undermine widely accepted quote and pricing standards.
"These people... they'll literally do any job for just the passion and expect no substantial money - and half of them will do it just for free equipment and use of a rental van to work from and sleep in. Apparently, last week the Nukeproof race team did a whole kitchen refurbishment for 'the gratitude of a thousand smiles from all those that will appreciate our work'. What does that even mean? Is it tax deductible?!"
"I've never met a single one of these people before. Is this not the public library? How did I get here?"
Marketing Manager Astroturfs Own Daughter's Wedding
"Me? Oh, I'm just hanging out here. What, there's a wedding?!" That opener left guests at Nutella's Johnson's family wedding utterly bemused, not least because it was the start of the speech given by the father of the bride at the reception.
"Boy, I didn't raise her, but I bet the guy that did has great principles, plus a modernist take and interpretation of family values to lay a great foundation for any child. I don't know if he paid for her college education, meaning that he actually isn't enjoying his retirement nearly as much as he should be, but if he did I'm sure he wouldn't bring it up. Probably a great guy all around, whoever he is."
"What do you mean my bike has depreciated? I thought it was like real estate. What am I going to do with all these Shimano Tourney mechs?!"
Mountain Bikes Sale Sees Price Cuts of 115%
Large online retailer Struggle has announced that it will sell its bikes for 115% off the asking price if you please just take one, and take one now.
"We don't have any space - nobody in this whole industry does. We lost James three weeks ago, presumably by the latest shipment of pandemic edition e-cargo-family bikes that nobody wants now."
Local rider Hannah Anna Pethrington told us, "These brands with this insane discount model are trying to turn this cost of living crisis into a cost of giving crisis and I can't have it. Keep away with your loss-making exercises. I'm riding this 2008 Gary Fisher that I got for $7000 last year until death do us part."
What happens on the Island, stays on the Island.
Mountain Bike Carpark Mistaken For Nudist Colony After Wet Cumberland Ride
"Wet Cumberland?! Don't mind if I do!" said Freedom McClure prior to a misunderstanding that would stop his career as a youth pastor in its tracks.
"I just don't understand," he later added, "There were just people's bums out everywhere. Everyone was naked in and around their cars on a rainy Tuesday morning, laughing and smiling. That lady over there was suggestively spraying Muc Off... what else was I meant to think other than it was anything other than a hippy-love-in? It's the island for crying out loud."
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Must Read This Week
That’s actually genius.
Oh wait…my mistake…that did happen.
m.pinkbike.com/news/fezzari-bicycles-rebrands-to-ari-and-announces-new-lightweight-all-mountain-emtb.html (scroll to the bottom of the article and read the disclaimer)
Fezzari employees showed up to the comments section to talk about how great the re branding is